Who Do You Think You Are?

By: Jamie Hulsman Williams, MSW, LSW, NBC-HWC, C-H

“Who do you think you are?,” is a question you may have heard at different times in your life. Most famously it was a television show tracking the ancestry of celebrities, but it may be one that you heard as a child/teen. A question haphazardly thrown at you by an adult who may have been displeased with your behavior or something you may have said. Maybe it was a question gently proposed to you by someone genuinely curious about who you are and where you were coming from. The source of your exposure to this question is not what matters here. What does matter is how you hear the question… “Who do you think you are?,” within the landscape of your inner narrative. So, my question to you is, what was the tone that echoed back at you as you read the title of this article? Was it warm and supportive, reflecting curiosity and excitement? Was it cold and harsh, causing feelings of accusation and judgement? What tone resonated within you? I invite you to sit with this for just a moment to explore what comes up. 

Sitting with this question is just what I have done with my own coach over the past few weeks. Yes, I am a coach who has a coach. Ironic, isn’t it? But truthfully, behind every good coach is another good coach. It is a promise board certified life coaches make by completing and passing the National Board of Health and Wellness Coaches exam. We make a promise to walk the walk, and that I am. This question, my friends, is at the root of everything that has been holding me back from getting to my metaphorical finish line. Full disclosure. I can be honest about this, because I know I cannot be the only one letting negatively toned echoes live rent-free in my subconscious. How do we combat this internal warfare? We simply call it out…recognize the tone and name it. We name it and all the feelings that it conjures up for you. Ok, I sort of lied! Simple is really understating it, but sometimes even simple things take a little work; kind of like making risotto. It’s a simple recipe but it takes time, patience and for some people, practice. It’s not easy and it’s not pretty but it’s necessary in order to give ourselves the power to move to the next step. Flipping the tone. 

Words have weight and responsibility, but most words are just words until emotional quality is applied. Our tone represents our entire meaning and therefore can distort our reality. But if we recognize the echo for the destruction that it is, defuse the feeling by flipping the question to a neutral zone, and presenting it to yourself as “Who are you?” or “Who do you want to be?”  or even “Who are you trying to be and who do you want to be instead?”; the question becomes constructive. It effectively removes any sense of shame, penalty or demoralization that almost always hinders us from positively moving forward. Something magical happens at this point… flipping the tone then becomes flipping the narrative and THAT is how you begin to make positive change in your life. Removing the self inflicted stigma the original tone imposed is equivalent to removing the dam that was blocking your flow. It allows you the freedom to move around and explore who you really are and who you would like to become. Now that’s progress! 

The final stage is replacement;  identifying a new phrase or internal tone of questioning. What will you say instead? For me, I came up with the starting point of “Who are you being right now?”  I say this is a starting point because this

first question is a window opening me up to other questions that will get me to where I ultimately want to be. It can look like this: “Who are you being right now?”, “Who would you like to be?”, “How do I want to be acting?”, “What do I need to do to get there?”, etc. As you can see, each question gets me closer to clarity and developing action steps to move forward; off of the euphemistic hamster wheel and closer to ME! 

Transforming the way we hear and respond to our inner dialogue is a process that requires awareness, intentionality, and practice. To recap:

1. Recognize the Tone – Pay attention to how you instinctively hear the question, “Who do you think you are?” Is it supportive or critical? Identify the emotional weight it carries.

2. Flip the Tone – Shift the question from one that feels accusatory to one that fosters curiosity and self-discovery. Try variations like “Who are you?” or “Who do you want to be?” to remove unnecessary shame and open new possibilities.

3. Replace the Narrative – Create a new, empowering inner dialogue. Ask yourself questions that guide you toward clarity and action, such as “Who are you being right now?” and “What do I need to do to align with who I want to be?”

4. By doing this work, you take back control of your narrative. You stop being defined by echoes of the past and start defining yourself by the future you are actively creating. And that is how real, lasting change begins.

Now, I invite you, once again, to take a moment. What is the new question you will ask yourself?