Disembarking the Blame Train

By Jamie Hulsman Williams, MSW, LSW, NBC-HWC, C-H

Recently, I made a conscious decision to view everything I say and do as a choice. I used to believe that when someone asked me a question, I needed to have an immediate response - usually within 0.1 seconds - which, due to lack of forethought, often led to inconsistencies. The reason behind this is a whole other topic for another post…hello, people pleasers!

By intentionally pausing and recognizing my words and actions as choices, I give myself both the power and the space to stay true to my values. This pause also allows me to consider the impact of my words and actions - not just on others, but on the course of my own life.

When life feels chaotic or uncertain, we always have a choice in how we show up. And how we show up speaks volumes about what’s happening within us.

With that in mind, let’s take a closer look at blame - why it so often becomes a default response and how we can shift away from it.

First, when talking about blame, it’s important to understand the difference between reasons and excuses. A reason is a logical explanation for an action or belief - for example, “I broke my arm, and my doctor advised me not to play tennis.” An excuse, on the other hand, is when a reason is used to avoid taking responsibility.

Consider this: An employee blames traffic for being late to work instead of acknowledging their poor time management. A student blames their teacher for a bad grade rather than taking responsibility by seeking clarification on material they didn’t fully understand.

The key words in both of these scenarios? Acknowledge and Responsibility. Without them, we set ourselves up for a long road of missed opportunities, strained relationships, and a vicious cycle of defensiveness. Sounds emotionally exhausting and spirit-crushing, doesn’t it?

Blaming and excuses are toxic no matter which way you look at the coin, but reader beware - reasons can also be emotionally derailing if we don’t apply action through acknowledgment and responsibility. That broken arm that I mentioned a few seconds ago? It can easily turn to an excuse if we are using it to avoid staying healthy through alternative means of exercise or to get out of doing a school/work activity we are dreading; blaming that darn broken arm for our inability to type that report we’re anxious about.

It’s easy to avoid derailment by creating an action plan - giving yourself enough time to reflect, action steps will take form - type that report one-handed, find a voice-to-text app or better yet, ask someone for help. Reasons need to be coupled with actions and solutions, because I have news for you, life is one big obstacle course and no one gets a preview of the layout. When we don’t acknowledge our potential role in our problems and make a choice to take positive action, we never really get started on the obstacle course of life. We are left behind staring at the starting line and blaming everyone and everything else for not having the skills to navigate it.

The root of blame is always avoidance - an unmistakable sign that we have inner work to do. To ensure we’re on the same page, let’s define avoidance as a negative coping mechanism in which a person tries to escape a difficult feeling, thought, or situation. Blaming behavior can often be traced back to ego development in early childhood. If you start paying attention - both to yourself and those around you - you might be surprised at how childlike blame and excuses can sound. The ego is notoriously fragile, and as flawed humans, we instinctively try to protect it at all costs.

But here’s the key takeaway: shielding the ego through blame does us far more harm than good. It doesn’t earn us respect. It doesn’t help us grow, build meaningful relationships, or learn from our mistakes. And it certainly doesn’t lead to constructive solutions. A healthy ego, however, thrives on self-awareness, accountability, and growth. It recognizes personal value without the need to tear others down. It embraces challenges, creates solutions, and approaches mistakes as learning opportunities. It prioritizes kindness, empathy, and self-responsibility.

So, the question is: Are you protecting your ego, or are you allowing it to evolve?

It’s time now to disembark the “Blame Train!” Blame and excuses may feel like shields, but in reality, they hold us back from growth, accountability, and meaningful progress. By recognizing the difference between reasons and excuses, acknowledging our role in our circumstances, and taking responsibility, we can step into our power rather than staying stuck at the starting line.

The truth is, life will always present obstacles. But when we shift from avoidance to action, from blaming to problem-solving, we gain the skills and resilience needed to navigate life’s course. A healthy ego doesn’t require tearing others down or making excuses - it thrives on accountability, learning, and a growth mindset.

So, let’s make a choice. A choice to pause, reflect, and take responsibility for how we show up in our lives and the lives of others. A choice to trade blame for ownership, excuses for action, and avoidance for empowerment. Because the moment we do, we stop being passengers on the “blame train” and start driving toward real, lasting change.

Now, I invite you to ask yourself: What’s one small step you can take today to replace blame with action?