Is Self-Love a Hard Pill to Swallow?

By Jamie Hulsman Williams, MSW, LSW, NBC-HWC, C-H

When it comes to feelings, answers are rarely absolute. Accepting self-love - it can be challenging for many, but not for everyone. I’ll admit, I’ve been one of the many who struggled - not just with the idea of self-love, but with actually embracing it in my life.

There was a time when even hearing the phrase self-love made my subconscious cringe and recoil. That reaction, like so many emotional responses, was a signal - one that pointed to deeply ingrained messages from my past. Whether they came from caregivers, media exposure, or social experiences, these messages shaped my self-perception. Over time, I internalized them, clinging to negative self-talk and feelings of inadequacy.

We often fall into the trap of dichotomous/all-or-nothing thinking - believing that we either love ourselves completely or not at all. But self-love isn’t a switch to flip; it’s a process, a practice, and sometimes, a struggle. To make it through every struggle, it’s important to embrace the knowledge that there’s a better you waiting on the other side. 

Thinking of self-love as a relationship rather than a concept can be a game-changer - at least, it was for me. Many of us struggle with the idea of self-love because it feels too distant, too big, or even unattainable. But what if, instead of striving for self-love, we started with self-like?

After all, most of us wouldn’t commit to a partner we don’t at least like, right? And it’s hard to call someone a friend if we don’t genuinely enjoy their company. So why should our relationship with ourselves be any different? The term “like” is often more digestible for the subconscious mind, and our subconscious is exactly who we need on board to shift away from negative self-talk.

Our subconscious mind is the keeper of our past - every failure, every embarrassing moment, every ideal we believe we’ll never live up to. It’s also the voice that whispers doubts, dredging up old wounds just when we’re on the verge of something new. It reminds us of past flops and resurrects the fear that came with them - cue low self-esteem and self-criticism.

But here’s the thing: just as relationships take time to grow, so does the journey from self-like to self-love. And maybe, just maybe, liking ourselves is the first real step forward. 

So, where do we start?

We begin by recognizing the cycle of negative self-talk and the deep need for self-acceptance. The first step is identifying your inner critic - becoming aware of the voice that whispers doubt, fuels insecurity, and holds onto outdated beliefs. Once you recognize it, challenge it. Ask yourself: Is this thought true? Is it helpful? Would I say this to someone I care about? Then, replace those self-defeating messages with words of encouragement and truth.

Next, move toward self-compassion and self-care. When we like someone, we respect them - we listen, support, and uplift them. It’s time to do the same for yourself:

• Forgive yourself for past mistakes. See them as lessons, not life sentences.

• Acknowledge your struggles with kindness, rather than judgment.

• Celebrate your wins - no matter how small - and allow yourself to feel proud.

• Prioritize self-care by honoring your basic needs: sleep, nourishment, movement, and stress relief.

• Reacquaint yourself with your values - what truly matters to you? What makes you feel aligned and fulfilled?

And perhaps most importantly, set boundaries - for your time, energy, and emotional well-being. When we fail to set boundaries, we send ourselves the message that our needs don’t matter. But they do. You do. You REALLY matter! 

This isn’t a step-by-step guide or a rigid roadmap - because all change happens on your own terms, in your own time, and in your own way. Where you begin and how you navigate your journey is entirely up to you. But by recognizing patterns and confronting the need for change, you’ll find that the path forward begins to reveal itself.

If you’re feeling stuck or unsure where to start, you don’t have to do it alone. A skilled coach can help you uncover the clarity and momentum you need. And if you're curious about how hypnosis can support your journey, let’s talk - I’d love to share how it can help quiet the noise and create deep, lasting change. 

Now—go like yourself. And keep showing up for you.